Interestingly enough this morning contemplation seed card told me that “Life is a constant opportunity to reinvent yourself.”
I say that it is interesting because last night I had started writing this post. I had about half of it done before going to sleep. When I returned back to it to complete it today, the document was nowhere to be found in my computer. Hmm, it makes you wonder.
Perhaps my post needs to be revised, or reinvented under a different light. On that note, let me get started and this time, just to be sure, I won’t stop until it is finished and published.
Returning to the message from this morning’s card, the world at large seems to be having the spiritual opportunity to reinvent itself, hopefully in a better sense.
During this chaotic time of change, called by names like, “the end times”, “the apocalypse”, “the great awakening” etc, life as we know it is quickly dissipating to find ourselves facing the unknown.
What will our future life look like? All around us a very palpable feeling of dread is felt. News media all over the world keeps spreading and fueling the fear with images and words of doomsday being pounded into our psyche day in and day out. The proverbial divide and conquer adage is being played out right under our noses as frightened people search for like minded individuals to share in their understanding of what is happening and find comfort and approval that their side of the story is the one and only truth and the rest of deluded people need to comply with them either willingly or by force. The interesting thing is that there are as many divided truths as there are people thinking them. Some examples would be absolute statements as: “black lives matter” “white men are white supremacists” etc…
What do you think this does to ALL of us? It only pits us against one another with very dangerous results for ALL of us regardless of our race, beliefs, country of origin etc…
Anyway, I am not here to write about what you should think, feel, believe or do in times like these, those are entirely your choice.
I am going to share with you my personal spiritual journey and what the Holy Spirit has been showing and teaching me. This process began a little over a couple of weeks ago when Spirit started to nudge me to take a break from watching alternative media videos on a daily basis. So I took an entire weekend off computer and cell phone and instead I went walking in the park with my dog, got a lot of sunshine, and did some reading and watercolor painting. I began to feel different, lighter and happier and my connection to Spirit got stronger. At a certain point Spirit showed me that everything happening around the world was perfectly all right from a spiritual standpoint. The experiences people were having were their opportunity to expand their awareness and grow spiritually if they so chose.
“Let people be.” Spirit said. A deep sense of peace and joy descended upon me with the realization.
As I returned to electronics and daily life, the higher awareness I had reached began to dwindle and my attention returned to the daily images of doomsday. In my naive mind I thought I was well above any of the news I was watching and the fear. As day passed, some of my friends and family succumbed to the fear and began to act in paranoia. I found myself quite upset about it and started to judge them in my mind. It was at this time that I went by my apartment to get some things I needed to take back to my workplace and found three fortune cookies sitting on the dining table and one opened fortune next to them. They were obviously my son’s fortunes, but I leaned over to read the small piece of paper.
It said: “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” I felt uneasy, something deep inside was nudging me to pay attention and I didn’t want to. “This is my son’s fortune and it has nothing to do with me.” I dismiss it.
Following that I received the news that my job was going to end because my employers had decided to relocate and sell the home I had been managing for the past two years. My world was crumbling. The news didn’t surprise me much as Spirit had already nudged me that it was coming. Yet, I felt fear shaking in my gut, “what am I going to do now?”
I decided to turn to my spiritual mentor for help in processing the fear and I texted him requesting a session. He kindly declined to help me and nudged me to work it directly with Spirit.
His reply didn’t surprise me as he made me realize that it is time for me to strengthen my direct line with Spirit and God without intermediaries.
Yet the fear inside me was still festering and I was doing a great job at ignoring it. A friend of mine posted something on Facebook that stirred up a strong reaction in me. So I made a reply with the “good intention” to have her see beyond what TV is programming people to believe. Days later I sent her link to a video I thought she would like and asked her to call me. She replied letting me know that she would not call me and that she didn’t like the fact that I would tell her what to watch and what to do. My first reaction was to get mad at her, but knowing better, I took a look at what she was pointing out and realized she had all the right to be upset as I had crossed over a boundary. I wrote back to her apologizing. She never answered and has terminated my friendship on Facebook.
I was very sad about it and flipped flopped from anger to pain for several days all the while asking Spirit to show me the root of my behavior and how to heal it.
One morning at work, as I was looking out the window into the backyard I noticed a large animal walking around. I went to the balcony to get a better look and realized it was a young Mountain Lion. The animal was calmly exploring the surroundings and enjoying it. I watched him until it disappeared in the forest.
That evening I sat down and wrote this entry in my journal.
04/06/2020
Dearest Holy Spirit, well I have done it again and hopefully this time I will learn to keep my reactive side in check. You had told me a couple of days ago to let others have their reactions and feelings during this fake pandemic, Covid-19. In retrospect I realize that I am in a PTSD reactive mode, though I wasn’t really aware of it. Yes, it sure feels like Venezuela all over again, though it isn’t quite like it in so many ways. After watching friends and family fall one after the other for the fake news narrative I felt it was my “duty” to shed some light and tell them the truth. Obviously one can do so in a certain way but not me I just go in full force! So today when I came to work and looked outside the window, I saw a beautiful Mountain Lion walking peacefully in the backyard. I watched the graceful movements of his muscular body in awe. It was the first time I saw one in the backyard and so close to the house. I checked online for the spiritual meaning of such incredible and rare sight knowing it was a strong sign from you. Well, it said to me that it is a sign to learn how to blend together grace and strength so that one doesn’t become a dictator.
With my direct words replying to a comment from a friend, I overstepped my bounds and caused pain to her and her rightful angry reaction towards me. I have apologized to her but now I have fallen into self-deprecation and self-hatred and the old desire to run away because I feel so ashamed of myself and so unworthy of forgiveness and love. It is time for me to heal this wound with your love and help my dearest Spirit. I have been keeping my heart so closed to me and I have been so judgmental of others unconsciously protecting this feeling of shame and unworthiness I have had for as long as I can remember. A revelation came to me today while in the throes of my demise, both my parents never liked me, never loved me and never forgave me for my mistakes. Then the realization went further, my entire Italian family never liked me and never accepted me and recently never forgave me for my mistakes. With this I don’t want to point out fingers, that is not what the realization is about, the realization is about the fact that this wound is one that runs in every single individual in my family and by each and every one of us being unable and unwilling to open up the hidden pain and hidden self disdain and rejection, we continue to point fingers out and judge others as to not feel what is inside of all of us. If I am the “black sheep”, the one who strayed, then they are justified in pushing me away, judge me harshly and not forgive me because I deserve it. This is exactly how they feel about themselves and are afraid of showing or taking risks outside “the clan” because then they will become outcasts. So I am now grateful for this experience because it brought me straight into this wound and I no longer want to protect it or hide it. I do hope that my dear friend will forgive my indiscretion some day. Yet even if she doesn’t she would have given me a gift of love by putting me in my place as I did deserve it. Now the rest of the work is between me and Spirit. I want to clean up this messy inner house of all the stench of self-hatred (which in the past was projected onto others), shame, guilt, unworthiness and the deep desire to punish and hurt myself because of it. I am opening it all up with so much gratitude. Thank you for the gift of love today!”
The next day I got the nudge to sit in the backyard and read from the book “Letting Go. The pathway of surrender.”
I opened it at random while asking for guidance and it opened up to letting go of Pride. “What does pride have to do with anything?” I thought.
As I read through it, statements like, “pride may take the form of denial, being opinionated, unforgiving, rigid, patronizing, judgmental” and “Intellectual pride leads to ignorance, and spiritual pride is the main block to spiritual development and maturation in everyone” and “in all of us, the prideful feeling, “I have the answers,” blocks our growth and development.” All of these statements resonated as being true for me. The answer to a prideful heart and mind is true humility.
“When you allow others to be, to make their own choices, you are exerting the greatest form of humility and love towards another Soul.” Spirit whispered gently.
So here it is my spiritual opportunity to reinvent myself: a new Self that lives and breathes Divine Spirit in every situation to the best of my ability. I opened a fortune cookie and the new message was: “Act as if it were impossible to fail.”
Best to all of you and much love!
The Road Home 